You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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