How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize