I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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