Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
