OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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