Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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