no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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