so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
