Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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