it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't turn off my feet"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
