So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
what day is it and did you see me today?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I don't deserve a penis
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
