just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
