Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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