Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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