So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
