4 words: hood of his car
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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