Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
