You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize