Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
