if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize