My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
