Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
