She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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