after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
