I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
