My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How does it feel to date your dad?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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