Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
