Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
