i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
