nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
