i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
