good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
