she looked like the before picture.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
