paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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