Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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