If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
