between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
