I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
