Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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