Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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