If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
