I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
