i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
