theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
