I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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