It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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