He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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