Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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