Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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