I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
3 2 1 whiskey
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
