I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
