eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
