Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
