Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
