Will you blow on my dice?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
