He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
