the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
