The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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