Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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