I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
