note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
