my phone needs a breathalizer
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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