@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
